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Today’s blurb has eaten too much porridge

Ah, José. Every stop he makes, he makes a new friend. But he can’t stay for long, just turn around and he’s gone again. Maybe tomorrow, he’ll want to settle down. Until tomorrow, he’ll just keep moving on (Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-da).

Yes, football’s littlest hobo seems to be on the move again, although they won’t be accompanied by the lump in the throat that his TV equivalent never fails to bring. Real Madrid have drawn up a two-man shortlist of potential replacements. Smoothly coiffed, scarf-wearing, German man-plus Joachim Löw is one of the names scrawled in Crayola on the back of an old receipt, reckons the Daily Mail EXCLUSIVELY, while the other is wilting north London spendthrift Arsène Wenger.

Quite how the denizens of the Bernabéu would react to a manager whose transfer policy seems to contradict everything Madrid have stood for over the past 15 years or so, but if the transition from Galácticos to 19yearoldprospectfromMetz-icos fails then at least they’ve had plenty of practice of late with those whistles and hankies.

Manchester City want former Barcelona vice-president Ferran Soriano and former Camp Nou technical director Txiki Begiristain to be their new chief executive and director of football. On the pitch, City are close to wrapping up a £2m deal for Israel’s Nir Biton after the midfielder sorted out his national-service-knack.

Anton Ferdinand is set to snub John Terry’s handshake offer this weekend, say the Mirror, hopefully in the time-honoured fashion of lifting the hand at the last minute and pressing his thumb to his nose before waggling his fingers. The tongue-poke and “Ner, ner, ner, ner, ner” is, of course, an optional extra.

Mark Hughes can’t wait to start spending at Loftus Road. South Africa striker Katlego Mphela of Mamelodi Sundowns and Fulham’s Clint Dempsey and Bobby Zamora will all be turning him down in the near future.

Newcastle have been told they will have to fork out £2m for Watford’s Adrian Mariappa, having had a derisory offer rejected. “I couldn’t begin to tell you how far away it was,” said Watford manager Sean Dyche. “My son’s got more in his money box,” he added, raising the intriguing question of how exactly you fit £500,000 in a child’s piggy bank.

Bolton, Swansea, Barnsley, West Ham and Sheffield United all want to borrow Raheem Sterling. Liverpool say they can’t have him.

Sunderland are keen on Bolton’s solid-pine battering ram Kevin Davies. Aston Villa will release Emile Heskey, Carlos Cuéllar, Habib Beye and Brad Guzan this summer.

Nicky Maynard has turned down the chance of four months of Premier League football, rejecting Wigan’s offer despite the Latics agreeing a fee of £2.2m for the Bristol City striker.

West Ham, having tired of their £6m pursuit of Rangers’ Nikica Jelavic, want Salomon Kalou on loan until the end of the season. Also in the Championship: Leicester will beat Sheffield Wednesday and United in the race to sign Stoke’s Ben Marshall and Doncaster have taken Peru defender Jesús Rabanal.

Transfer windowArsenalReal MadridManchester CityLiverpoolJohn Ashdown
guardian.co.uk

• Stewart Downing arrested in Yarm
• Police say ‘inquiries are ongoing’

The Liverpool winger Stewart Downing has been arrested on suspicion of assault.

The 27-year-old, who has 32 caps for England and joined Liverpool from Aston Villa last year, was arrested early on Sunday morning after an alleged confrontation with a former girlfriend at the Cross Keys club, on Yarm High Street.

The Daily Mail website quoted a local source as saying: “She went over to one of his friends and said something that she shouldn’t have. He butted in and they were arguing. Police got there as they were thrown out. He caused a scene outside the club as well, when he realised they were going to take him in.”

A police spokesman said: “Police were called to an incident at a pub on Yarm High Street. A 27-year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of assault and a 32-year-old woman has also been arrested on suspicion of assault. Both are in custody and inquiries are ongoing.”

Liverpoolguardian.co.uk

Today’s junk is using reverse psychology

As a wise old jobbing American character actor in a Burt Lancaster film once said, even a hawk is an eagle among crows. And so it is that in these times of inter-window waffle-scarcity the news that former Liverpool wing mediocrity El Hadji Diouf is on the verge of a foul-tempered and ultimately short-lived return to football appears to qualify as a major transfer rumour. According to the Daily Mail Diouf is “talking to Doncaster Rovers and Wigan”. He is also currently a free agent, having been abandoned midway through his contract by Blackburn Rovers, like an old fridge left at the side of the road with its door flapping open.

Liverpool are all set to send stalled teenage midfield lunk Jonjo Shelvey out on loan. Shelvey, whose best times came in the all-bald era of early Roy Hodgson, could go to Cardiff, Coventry, Birmingham, Hull City or Middlesbrough. Arsenal have had talks with Valencia midfielder Daniel Parejo with a view to a January signing. Parejo, 22, is a Real Madrid academy graduate, had a spell at QPR, joined Valencia in the summer and now can’t get in the team. The Mill would just like to say this: Arsène. The money, Arsène. Spend the money. Don’t fling it about. Don’t buy yourself six cheap anoraks from TK Maxx. Go for a Crombie.

Back in the real world of hurling money wastefully at proven maybes, Parejo will cost £7m and plays in central midfield where he may, or may not, be any better than Denilson or Alex Song or Emmanuel Frimpong. Apparently he wants to play at London 2012. So what? So does David Beckham.

According to Goal.com Liverpool and Tottenham are both in a funk over Brazilian striker Leandro Damião, who has scored 39 goals for Internacional this season. Spurs have already had a £16.5m bid rejected for a player who scored for Brazil last month against Ghana at Craven Cottage. Barcelona, Inter and Porto are also interested, and frankly all seem a bit more likely. Damião is, though, currently out with a hamstring injury, so maybe Liverpool then. According to Goal.com Internacional own 70% of Damião and Damião owns the other 30% of himself. The Mill hopes he got the nice bit that always wants to do good things and help people.

According to the Sun and every other newspaper Dimitar Berbatov still has “a part to play” at Manchester united. Alex Ferguson said: “He’s got a part to play.” He did also say “that applies to players like Mame Diouf, Federico Macheda and Michael Owen.” So a part that may involve appearing anonymously in the reserves on MUTV; spending an entire season quietly grooming his gelled quiff three rows back on the bench; and scoring once a year in the Carling Cup, at which point some old friends in the media will suggest he should be playing for England again.

West Brom are “eyeing a move” for somebody described as “Fiorentina prodigy Maxwell Acosty, 20″.

In the Mirror Dagestan-based oil billionaire’s plaything Anzhi Makhachkala are after Marco Materazzi, who has spent some time hanging around in Russia since leaving Inter in the summer and is currently a free agent. “I will do everything I can to have him at Anzhi because he is a great person,” Anzhi’s sporting director German Tkachenko has said, confusing the phrase “great person” with “expert nipple-tweaking shirt-tugging central defensive clogger in search of a final payday”, which is easily done as the two are very similar in Russian.

Steve McClaren has finally stopped “squabbling” with Nottingham Forest’s board and will now stay at the club having successfully made both his new signings and existing squad feel totally undermined by moaning publicly about not getting some – you know – better players in over the summer.

And pint-sized wing-frustration Shaun Wright-Phillips genuinely believes he has a decent chance of getting back into the England squad after a few encouraging performances jinking about with occasional scattergun effectiveness for his new club. And, frankly, maybe he does too.

LiverpoolArsenalBarcelonaInternazionaleManchester UnitedFC PortoCardiff CityCoventry CityBirmingham CityHull CityMiddlesbroughNottingham ForestWest BromSteve McClarenBarney Ronayguardian.co.uk