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Today’s fluff wishes it had remembered its swipe card

The Mill isn’t a claustrophobic purveyor of tittle-tattle, which is a good job as this morning’s round-up of idle speculation has been somewhat delayed by a trapped-in-a-stairwell situation. Lonely, desperate and increasingly panicky … conveniently, they’re the sort of emotions a fair few wantaway players are experiencing as the transfer window reaches its halfway point.

But not Steven Pienaar. Having agreed a deal with Tottenham earlier this week, the South African is now a £3m target for Chelsea. And with his Everton contract running out in the summer, the Toffees may well prefer to cash in now. Chelsea also want to sign curly-haired ball-playing Benfica centre-half David Luiz for £20m plus Paulo Ferreira, for a combined deal that will cost the London club around £20.001m, and in the summer Carlo Ancelotti will say “Arrivederci!” to Jose Bosingwa and “Hallo!” to Ajax’s £18m-rated right-back Gregory van der Wiel.

King Kenny’s Liverpool revolution – Redolution, if you like – will see a flurry of new signings heading to Anfield. Having scribbled Lee Chapman, Martin Foyle, Franz Carr and John Bumstead off his list of transfer targets, he’ll attempt to bag Luis Suarez for £15m, and likes the look of Dutch forward Eljero Elias, Wigan playmaker Charles N’Zogbia, Chelsea’s Daniel Sturridge and Cluj hitman Lacina Traoré. KK also wants a midfield enforcer and has the glad-eye for Bayern Munich’s cartoon villain Mark van Bommel, Sunderland’s Lee Cattermole, West Ham’s Scott Parker at West Ham, Wigan’s Mohamed Diame, and Real Madrid’s Lassana Diarra.

Arsenal have left Manchester United and Chelsea tutting in righteous indignation having pushed to the front of the queue to bag a £5m deal for Southampton’s Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. Arsène Wenger will also tie up a cut-price deal for West Ham’s wandering defensive wardrobe Matthew Upson. The Arsenal boss is willing to pay a whopping £500,000 for the England centre-back.

It’s go, go, go in the relegation battle, with West Ham confident of bagging Robbie Keane and Guinea wideman Pascal Feindouno, although they are set to miss out on Stoke-bound Hoffenheim hitman Demba Ba, The Hammers are also now at the head of the queue for £12.5m-rated “Argentine wonderkid” Pablo Mouche. Birmingham, meanwhile, want Brescia striker Andrea Caracciolo.

Tired of Real Madrid’s beautifully carved attacks ending on his 50p-shaped feet, Karim Benzema fancies joining Emile Heskey up front at Aston Villa. He’ll head to the Midlands on loan if Real snap up Emmanuel Adebayor from Manchester City.

On the managerial merry-go-round, Paul Lambert is bobbing up and down on a yellow and green horse, but he may well get off shortly to buy a toffee apple and join West Ham. Burnley are trying to persuade Bournemouth’s Eddie Howe have a go on their claret and blue waltzers.

And a in a flurry of late news, Chris Eagles is heading to Everton for £1.5m, Newcastle are closing in on Jay Bothroyd and Wolfsburg midfielder Karim Ziani, Blackpool are back in for Bradley Wright-Phillips and Barnsley’s Adam Hammill, Stuttgart’s Pavel Pogrebnyak will shun Blackburn, Tottenham and Liverpool until the summer at least, and Derby want to raid Leicester for Martyn Waghorn.

LiverpoolJohn Ashdownguardian.co.uk

Today’s rumours mill to the left, then mill to the right

Small earthquake in Sydney, not many rumours – which has the potential for filling the Mill with all manner of fevered speculation about the future of the “January Four”, greying pudgy-faced men (see above) whose P45s (see above) may or may not be honing into view. First off there’s Avram Grant. The Star reckons West Ham have pulled the plug on taking Steve Sidwell from Aston Villa because they’re going to give the Israeli the old Spanish archer. Sidwell has had a nice chat with Wolves but Fulham, queue-jumping not for the first time in today’s papers, are ready to pounce. Steve McClaren is busily watching old Mike Reid videos to brush up on his Knees Up Mother Brown lingo for his triumphant return to the Premier League with Yer Actual, says the Mail, but so far only one of “the Davids”, the two lovely men who fittingly look like the very image of Michelangelo’s Renaissance masterpiece, is behind him. David Sullivan is a Macca fan while Chris Hughton, Sam Allardyce and Martin Jol are thought better alternatives by the other half of the two-headed beast.

As for Roy Hodgson, the Sun thinks he’s already said his goodbyes to the Liverpool players in the dressing room at Ewood Park after the 3-1 defeat and despite men with buckets and cloths being dispatched to remove a Scouse Banksy’s “Hodgson Out” motif outside Melwood, more writing is metaphorically on the wall. He’ll be replaced by Owen Coyle, the Star thinks, while Porto’s Andre Villas-Boas is the man favoured by Damien Comolli and the Sun. That means Vedran Corluka, Hodgson’s No1 transfer window target, will not be on his way from Spurs and Robert Huth will be stopping at Stoke.

Carlo Ancelotti is far more secure at Chelsea – for now at least – and will sign Gary Cahill from Bolton as Liverpool don’t have a spare £20m sitting idly in John W Henry’s cigar box. Wanderers will replace him with Middlesbrough’s David Wheater.

As for Ged Houllier – the Sun contends that he’s got three games to save his job but flim-flam is circulating in the Mail about his “odd” behaviour, such as congratulating his players after they were defeated by Sunderland. He’ll console himself with far stranger behaviour – taking Wayne Bridge from Manchester City on loan.

Wolves are rather partial to Millwall’s Steve Morison and will “table a £3m bid”, presumably if the table has sturdy legs, while Arsenal like the cut of Radamel Falcao’s jib. Fifty-three goals in 64 Porto league games is a phenomenal record and he looks a snip at £15m. Two words of warning: Mário Jardel.

Robbie Keane, the boyhood fan of Celtic, Liverpool and Leeds United, will tickle the denizens of either St Andrew’s, Craven Cottage or Upton Park by regaling them of his lifelong ambition to join their clubs this week for a £7m fee that will free him from Harry Redknapp’s bench. However, if it turns out that Keane didn’t roam the streets of Tallaght dreaming of becoming the next Simon Sturridge, Blues will turn to Manchester City’s Jô.

Newcastle are going to be active over the next week, taking David Bentley on loan from Tottenham to run very slowly up the right wing, Freddie Sears from West Ham, to score once every three years, and Sebastian Larsson from Birmingham for £1.5m, just to be spiteful to Sunderland who thought they’d done a deal for the Swede.

Charlie Adam may be about to say his goodbyes to Blackpool and hotfoot it to Blackburn or Birmingham but the Tangerines will get over him by asking Plymouth’s Bradley Wright-Phillips for a hot date. Rovers, meanwhile, have hit a hitch over getting Roque Santa Cruz back on loan from Manchester City. Monaco are eyeing Everton’s Louis Saha with a very powerful telescope while, joy of joys, Alan “I’m not a Championship player” Smith may be about to undertake his second stint in the division and at Leeds United as Ken Bates prepares to kill the fatted calf and welcome the prodigal son and his short-lived clothing line, “Alan Smith 17″, back into the Elland Road fold.

And finally Cyril? It’s Roy “Don’t Cry for Me, Rushmere St Andrews” Keane. Out at Ipswich to be replaced by Chris Hughton, if West Ham don’t get there first.

LiverpoolChelseaTottenham HotspurWest Ham UnitedFulhamRob Bagchiguardian.co.uk

On today’s Football Weekly Extra(aaaaaaaa), James Richardson’s joined by Sean Ingle, Barry Glendenning and Michael ‘Zonal Marking’ Cox to look back on a dramatic round of midweek fixtures in the Premier League that’s left the several managers clinging on to their jobs.

Roy Hodgson, Carlo Ancelotti, Gérard Houllier and Avram Grant all saw their teams crash to pitiful defeats – how close are they to the chop?

Elsewhere, we look forward to the third round of the FA Cup; rejoice at the return of Phil Brown to the dug out; and wonder what would happen if Jimbo took over Family Fortunes.

We’ll see you bright and early on Monday. In the meantime, post your feedback on the blog below, follow us on Twitter and Facebook, and get your tea-timely fix of football news with the Fiver.

James RichardsonBen GreenMichael CoxBarry GlendenningSean IngleAndy Hunter